A Series of Unexpected Occurances
by I-Like-Llamas
Summary: Collection of related or unrelated oneshots and ministories. Mostly drabbles, slash, and crossovers with Naruto, Gundam Wing and others. Formally named 'An Unexpected Occurance'. Rated for language.
1. An Unexpected Occurance Pt 1

WARNINGS: Slash, AU for HBP, set in Harry's 7th year, X-Over with Naruto and Gundam Wing (which I didn't mean to do. I only meant to mention Duo in passing. Damn bishounen, working their way into MY story), and mild angst (again, didn't mean too. This was supposed to be pure crackfic), horrible title and dimension-hopping Harry. 

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An Unexpected Occurence 

Double Potions on a Monday morning. With the Slytherins. And Snape. It was only three weeks into the term and already Harry was contemplating suicide. Or homicide. Yeah, that would probably be more fun. People would finally stop calling him the Boy-Who-Lived. He could be the Boy-Who-Killed. Or something equally inane. Maybe the Dark Lord Harry. Actually, Harry thought that didn't sound too bad, really. It was certainly better than the Dark Lord Voldemort. Harry smiled, plans for death and destruction already forming in his head. Malfoy would be the first to go…

Feeling someone poke him hard in the side, Harry turned to glare at the perpetrator.

"Stop smiling," Hermione hissed, "you're scaring Ron."

Harry turned his glare on the cowering Ron, who whimpered. Hermione poked him again. Harry huffed. How rude.

Snape, of course, chose this moment to swoop into the room like the overgrown bat that he was, with a scowl firmly plastered on his face, his robes flying behind him and his metaphorical fangs bared. Idly, Harry mused that he would probably look scarier if his fangs were literal. Maybe when he was a Dark Lord he could have fangs. He should get Hermione to look into that. She would be suspicious of his reasons, but that was okay. She could be dealt with.

"Today," Snape hissed, breaking into Harry's train of thought, "we will be brewing a weaker offshoot of Veritaserum. It forces the person to answer truthfully, but they are aware during the questioning and the questions need to be more direct. Nevertheless, it is still an extremely difficult potion to brew and I don't expect that most of you imbeciles will even come close to brewing it correctly."

Neville let out a high-pitched keening wail. Harry rolled his eyes. Malfoy smirked, obviously thinking that he would be one of the few to get it right. Harry grinned at the Slytherin's pride. Malfoy would definitely be the first to go. Snape continued lecturing, completely ignoring the by-play.

"At the end of this lesson, I will administer a potion that I have prepared to one of you so that you may view the effects."

Harry rolled his eyes again.

'Gee, I wonder who he might use as his guinea pig?' he thought sarcastically.

Snape's eyes roamed the classroom until they stopped on Harry and lit up with malicious glee.

"Potter," he hissed triumphantly, "why don't we give your adoring fans a look at what really goes on inside your head?" Harry snorted. Well, he didn't see that one coming. Honestly. Slytherins were supposed to be cunning. So why were they all so transparent?

Meanwhile, Snape abruptly returned his attention to the class. "You have the whole lesson to think up questions to ask our resident celebrity, so be sure to make them sufficiently invasive and painful. Well? What are you waiting for? Start brewing!" he barked, soundly oddly like Sirius used to when he was mad. Harry closed his eyes in pain for a moment. It had been over a year and it still hurt to think about Sirius. Forcing his eyes open, he pushed his thoughts away from his late godfather and began brewing his potion on autopilot, not noticing Hermione's worried glances or Ron edging away from his vacant face.

As he worked, Harry wondered if he should be more worried about the upcoming interrogation. He held a lot of secrets that could get him into trouble. Could get other people, like Hermione and Dobby, into trouble. And then there were the really big secrets. The Dursley secrets. The Voldemort secrets. The Order secrets. The family secrets. The training secrets. The secrets of the people he had met and the things he had learned, and done, during the summers in his dimension-hopping, never-ending quest to destroy Voldemort and his followers. Things about his home life with the Dursleys, his connection to Voldemort, the Order of the Pheonix, things about Remus and Sirius and the Weasleys and Tonks and the rest of his adopted family. Things like killing more than a few prominent members of society (all Deatheaters of course) with a sniper rifle as they visited the Ministry, and various other nefarious deeds. Secrets he had planned to take to the grave.

But somehow, Harry just couldn't bring himself to care. Hermione said he was becoming dangerously apathetic. Harry didn't care. Besides, he doubted anyone would ask him anything too bad. Nobody suspected him of straying beyond the image of the golden Boy-Who-Lived they had painted for him. He could deal with whatever came out. The whole world had hated him twice before and he'd dealt with it, so he could handle the repercussions of Snape's little stunt, whatever they may be.

All too soon, the students had finished brewing their potions and it was time for the promised questioning. Harry noticed with amusement that many people seemed too have rushed through their potions in order to question him sooner, and consequently had completely ruined them. Serves them right, he thought.

"Well, Potter? We don't have all day, you know."

As Harry moved to the front of the class he noticed that Snape seemed to be rubbing his hands together in glee. Strange. It somehow rather made him look like a house-elf. He pictured Snape with large ears, tennis ball eyes and a squeaky voice and smirked. This seemed to irritate the greasy man as he handled Harry rather roughly than was strictly necessary to pour the vial of potion down his throat. Harry grimaced. It tasted just as bad as any other potion he'd taken. He suspected Snape did it on purpose.

And the questions started.

"What is your name?"

"Harry James Potter."

"What are your parent's names?"

"James Richard Potter and Lily Marie Potter, nee Evans."

"Did you break into my storeroom during your second year and during the Triwizard Tournament in your fourth year?"

Snape smirked, obviously thinking he would expose Harry as a thief. Which he was, but Snape didn't need to know that.

"No."

Snape's face fell abruptly, and Harry took a moment to admire the stupid look upon his face before his eyes narrowed.

"Do you know who did?"

Harry saw Hermione tense out of the corner of his eye. Well, he couldn't really be sure she did it, could he? He'd never actually seen her do it, and it was highly unlikely that Hermione had just broken such a major school rule like that. It was completely out of character. And Dobby…well, Dobby had lied to him before. Who's to say Dobby didn't lie when he said he stole the Gillyweed? It was possible.

"No."

Hermione's eyes widened, and Harry smirked. That was the thing with allowing someone free will when trying to get the truth out of them. They could convince themselves of anything, and then it would be the truth. Harry could have told Snape his name was Maxmillion Ignatius the third under the influence of the potion, as long as he believed it was true. That was why Veritaserum was so affective. It took away the person's awareness, and consequently, their will. What Harry had done was a tricky business though, and it usually didn't work if the memories attached to the question were particularly strong. They would linger in the mind, showing the real truth of the matter and preventing the person from lying to themself. But even then there were ways around telling the truth. Duo taught him that. Duo Maxwell who never lied, but hardly ever told the truth either. Duo delighted in omitting facts, putting a certain slant on his words, or mentioning something completely irrelevant and watching as the people he was talking to made their own wild assumptions. Assumptions which were nearly always wrong. It drove Heero crazy. Heero, who was short, sharp and to the point of appearing harsh and cruel. But Harry knew better. He'd seen Heero's small smile of contentment when the Gundam boys (as Duo called them) got together for some quiet bonding time. Harry smiled sadly. He missed the five boys. They were some of the few people he'd ever met that he could truly relax around, that understand who he was and why and accepted it without complaint.

The questions continued, and Harry wasn't surprised to note that they were all rather inane in nature. Not even the Slytherins had anything overly shocking to ask him. He had been right. They all thought he truly was Gryffindors' golden boy, who could do no wrong and had no shocking secrets. He shared a conspiratorial smirk with Ron and Hermione. The most shocking thing anyone got out of him was that he didn't know how much his broom cost, as his godfather had bought it for him. Harry saw Malfoy's eyes light up and mentally prepared himself for a round of painful questions about Sirius.

And then it happened.

"Are you a virgin?"

That was Parkinson, trying to be witty and obviously expecting an embarrassed yes in answer. Harry grinned.

"No."

The murmurs that arose from this statement were enough to cover Ron and Hermione's amused snickers. They may not know the details (thank god) but they knew that Harry was far from being a virgin.

"Who was the last person you had sex with?"

Everyone stared at Seamus, pretending to be shocked and amazed that he would ask such a thing, before turning back to Harry and eyeing him with barely disguised glee. Who had the famous Boy-Who-Lived been shacking up with? Was it a Gryffindor? A Ravenclaw? A Hufflepuff? Or, heavens forbid, a Slytherin? Maybe even a muggle? Most people seemed to be of the opinion that it had to be one of his friends. Ginny, maybe?

Meanwhile, Harry's face had grown rather red as he fought to keep himself from answering the question. He tried to convince himself to believe a lie, tried desperately to reason his way out of it but images from that night kept popping up in his head. And what a night it had been…

Hermione's eyes narrowed as she noticed Harry's reluctance to answer and his frequent, fearful glances in her direction. He had met a lot of shady people over the past two years and Hermione had constantly worried that he would get in more trouble than he was already in. And now it seemed like she had proof that her worry was not unfounded.

His desperation to hold back the answer had not gone unnoticed by Snape although the fearful glances towards Hermione had.

"You might as well just say it Potter. The potion will bring out your dirty little secret sooner or later."

Everyone sat on the edge of their seat, more than ready to hear more about Harry's – undoubtably – scandalous affair. Harry panted, trying desperately to control the name that was pushing it's way out of his throat. It wasn't bad, not really. It was just that Hermione could be rather _forceful _in her concern for him. And Harry didn't like her to worry. And oh god who was he kidding, she was going to kill him.

When the name finally pushed it's way out of his mouth, it did so rather loudly as a result of Harry's furious struggle against speaking.

"Hatake Kakashi!"

The class sighed and slumped back into their seats as one, disappointed. Really, the only interesting thing about that name was that it sounded somewhat Asian. Must be a muggle then. How boring.

No-one noticed as Ron's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as he began to hastily back away from the girl next to him, whose face was rapidly turning a rather unattractive shade of puce. They sure noticed when said girl exploded though.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER!"

Harry ducked behind a table, wary eyes fixed on Hermione's furious form.

"How could you! He's like, 40 years old!"

"He's 32!" Harry shot back, rolling his eyes at Hermione's exaggeration and ignoring the classes' gasps of shock.

"He has grey hair, for fuck's sake!"

The class gasped again. Hermione hardly ever swore, let alone with such vulgarity.

"It's silver, and it's natural!" Harry argued.

"He's insane!"

Harry gave her a look that clearly implied he thought she was stupid for even mentioning something so obvious.

"He's a jounin, of course he's insane. They all are!"

"Oh, so that makes it alright, does it? He's rude and lazy and he walks around reading porn all the time!"

"Yeah," Harry sighed dreamily, "and let me tell you, he sure does put all that reading to good use."

Hermione glowered. Harry frowned at her.

"If it makes you feel better, it was really, really good sex."

The class (plus Snape), who had been watching the argument as though it was a particularly interesting tennis match, waited eagerly for the resulting explosion. It was clear that this little tidbit did not make Hermione feel better. Not at all.

Before the explosion came, however, a third person unexpectedly entered the fray in a swirl of leaves and chakra.

"Someone mention my name?" the strange man asked, his only visible eye curving into an inverted U of happiness.

"You're a dead man," Hermione growled, struggling against Ron as he blocked her from physically attacking the man and pushed her outside.

"Nice to see you too, Hermi-chan!" Kakashi called after her departing figure. Harry sniggered.

"Yo," Kakashi smiled at the gaping class and teacher, giving them a V for victory sign. Harry sniggered harder.

"What happened?" this was directed at Harry.

"Truth potion," Harry answered truthfully.

"Well," Kakashi smiled, "I could certainly have some fun with this."

Harry lowered his lashes to glance up at the man coyly and replied in a low, sultry voice.

"I could think of some other things that we could do to have fun. Class is over in about…"

The bell rang.

"Now. And I have a free double before lunch."

"Your place or mine?" Kakashi smiled, his inverted U somehow growing bigger.

Harry gave the still gaping students (and teacher, though Snape would later deny it) a pointed glance, particularly Neville, Seamus and Dean.

"Do you really have to ask?"

"Mine it is then."

And they were gone in another swirl of leaves and chakra, mouths already pressed together heatedly.

"Uh….gah…mu…" sputtered Seamus. That was certainly not the answer he had been expecting.

This is how the second year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws found them five minutes later, mouths open, eyes bulging and all of them staring dumbfounded at the space Harry and Kakashi had been before they disappeared.

Madam Pomphrey did manage to subdue Hermione through the use of many potions and spells, but all her hard work was undone when Hermione learnt that Harry had left with the shinobi.

"WHAAAAAAT!"

Ron later swore that she broke more than a few windows. Magically reinforced windows that not even Fred and George had been able to break.

Meanwhile, Harry and Kakashi proceeded to have lots and lots of really, really great sex.


	2. An Unexpected Occurance Pt 2

Hello all! Thanks to a suggestion from Nenagh and my own relentless plotbunnies, I decided to set this story up as a series of whatever drabbles pop into my head. An Unexpected Occurance will likely have one more chapter, with maybe a prequel down the track somewhere. Feel free to send me ideas or requests!

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An Unexpected Occurance Part 2

Harry sighed and stared despondantly at the smooth, polished wood of the Gryffindor table. He had had a bad day. A very bad day. A very, very bad day. An utterly horrid day. Malfoy was being a pain in the ass and he had gotten detention from Snape again and Hermione was lecturing him about it and the students (and staff) were still whispering about him behind his back after his little 'stunt' with Kakashi. Despite the fact that it had been over two months ago. And they weren't even trying to hide the fact that they were talking about him.

He sighed again. At least no-one had had the guts to say anything to him about it. Not after what he had done to that one Ravenclaw. And Colin Creevey, because apparently learning that Harry was gay (he was actually bi, but no-one seemed to care about the truth) had convinced him that he and Harry were indeed 'meant to be'. Nothing Harry had said could convince him otherwise, until Harry had finally lost his patience and showed him that he wasn't interested. Madam Pomphrey fixed both Colin and the Ravenclaw up in no time, but Harry was just glad his message stuck. Even having Hermione refuse to speak to him for two weeks after he mentioned Pavlov's dogs was worth it. Especially seeing Ron's confused look when Hermione tried to explain Pavlov's dogs to him. Harry smiled slightly at the memory, before abruptly frowning again. Hermione had broken her vow of silence today to lecture him about getting detention. Like a boomerang, Harry's bad day came back smacked him in the face.

Angrily, he threw a kunai into the table point first. The dull thud it made as it sunk a good two centimeters into the wood was very satisfying, and Harry found himself feeling slightly better. Slightly. Marginally.

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

Harry could see Hermione's eye twitching in time with his thuds but he didn't really care. Served her right. Because he was having a bad day and she wasn't helping, dammit! And no, he was not just being pissy because he was lonely, horny and cut off from all his inter-dimensional friends, no matter what Hermione said! Well, maybe a little. But only a little. And besides, he figured she would be pissy too if she had spent approximately four months in the company of a whole plethora of wonderful, amazing people in places where she could just be herself and then was completely cut off and thrown back into the midst of this circus of expectations and judgmental stares. To make it even worse, he was in a near-constant state of horniness. Two months was far too long, in his over-sexed teenage opinion. He wanted sex and he wanted it now.

THUD.

"Oh for god's sake Harry!"

Harry smirked. He knew she wouldn't last long.

"If you're that desperate, why don't you just go find someone to have sex with and stop annoying everyone else!"

Seamus, Dean, Neville and Ginny (who were sitting closest to the trio) choked as one. Ron, whose mouth was stuffed full of food, blinked at them as if to say 'What? Didn't you know that Harry's a slut?'

Not entirely versed in blinking-Ron speech, the four hapless onlookers continued to look baffled. However Harry got the message loud and clear and kicked Ron in a spot on his leg that he knew from experience hurt very much. Ron yelped loudly and Harry smirked vindictively. Hermione huffed and threw Harry a pointed glance which he returned. Fuck if he was going to bow to her just because she felt some sort of misplaced need to protect poor Ickle Ronnikins.

Taking pity on the still-gaping foursome, Harry smiled kindly (and maybe just a tiny bit patronizingly) at them and explained.

"What Hermione means, is that I'm desperately horny and really, really need a good fuck but I can't get in touch with any of my friends who might be able to fix that for me. When you're older, my children, you'll understand."

Dean, Ginny and Neville looked horrified. Seamus looked both affronted and interested. Harry raised an eyebrow at him.

"Harry," Hermione ground out, "you're being childish and painful again."

Harry merely blinked innocently at her.

"I am?"

Hermione narrowed her eyes.

Harry raised an eyebrow again.

She huffed and looked away, and Harry smirked victoriously.

"Yeah, yeah," Seamus cut in impatiently, "Harry's being a bitch and you're mad at him for it. Fair enough. We get it. But he does have a good reason. Sooo….let's fix it!"

He beamed happily at them and began unashamedly checking the hall out for potentials. Dean sighed in the manner of one who has to constantly take care of a particularly dim two year old. Harry recognized that sigh. Kakashi used it all the time when talking about his brats. Thinking of Kakashi, Harry's throat tightened.

"No."

"No? What do you mean, no?" Seamus asked, looking confused.

"I don't want random sex. I want comfort sex. I want to be sure that the person I'm with doesn't give a shit about the whole Boy-Who-Lived thing and won't sell me out to the Daily Prophet. I want someone who cares for me without all the romantic attachments and commitment. I want one of my friiieeeeends…"

Harry knew he was whining. He didn't care. He just wanted to be somewhere, anywhere but here and lately he wanted it so much that it hurt sometimes. He wanted to be able to walk down a corridor without having whispers follow him everywhere.

Hermione rolled her eyes, never one to put up with Harry's melodrama.

"We're your friends."

"You wanna have sex with me?"

Silence.

"Didn't think so. And even if I could get out of this hellhole, there's no-one I could go too. They've all either hooked up or are previously taken. It's like it's an inter-dimensional love spell or something. It's sickening."

To their credit, Dean, Neville and Ginny hadn't even blinked at the 'inter-dimensional' part of Harry's speech. Apparently they had remembered the first rule of dealing with Harry Potter: nothing is impossible. Just accept what happens and move on. And Seamus…well, Seamus had been lost once the word 'sex' was spoken. Nothing could distract him now.

"Oh, I'm sure not all of your friends are unavailable," Hermione reasoned.

"She's right," agreed Ron. "How many dimensions did you go to again?"

"A lot," Harry sighed. "And as impossible as it may seem, everyone I might want to have sex with, and even a lot that I wouldn't are either involved or hung up on someone. Trowa and Quatre are still ridiculously happy with each other. Duo and Heero aren't quite as sickening, but are still out of the picture. Zechs and Noin are going to be married soon. Wufei finally swallowed his more chauvinistic tendencies and is now dating Sally Po." Harry smiled ruefully. "He still calls her onna, though. Katherine is dating some guy from her circus. Inuyasha is still hung up on both Kagome and Kikyou and there's no way in hell that I'm gunna confuse him anymore than he already is. Sango and Miroku have got some big love/hate thing going on that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Hiei and Kurama are quite content with their current arrangement. Yuusuke and Keiko are practically destined to be together, and I shouldn't even have to mention Kuwabara or Yukina. Botan is forbidden from having 'romantic' relations with living humans. Roy and Ed are now sharing both house and bed, despite the fact that they've pretty much despised each other for who knows how long. Al is with Winry. Cloud and Leon are together, also in spite of their apparent hatred. Sora is with Riku. Roxas is with Axel. Aerith refuses to have sex with me, as does Yuffie. I still haven't worked out why. Do I really need to go on?"

"I guess not," murmured Ginny, looking somewhat shell-shocked at Harry's rapid-fire response. Even Ron and Hermione looked amazed. They had never heard many details of Harry's travels. Most of these names were new to them, and it was a testimony to how down he was feeling that he gave the information so freely.

"As much as I hate to ask it…what about Kakashi?"

Hermione looked pained. It had obviously cost her a lot to ask. She didn't exactly approve of Kakashi and it warmed Harry that she could put that behind her in favour of ensuring his happiness. However, that didn't change the fact that…

"He's seeing someone too. Umino Iruka."

"Really?"

Harry had told his friends about Iruka. Hermione looked confused and flabbergasted, wondering why someone as kind and caring as the man Harry had described would be interested in Kakashi. She could understand the attraction he might hold with the more air-headed of the species, but Harry said that Iruka was intelligent.

Seamus snickered. "Who names their kid Umino?"

"That's his clan name, idiot." Harry sighed. "Easterners say their names the opposite way to us. His name's Iruka."

Harry turned to face Hermione, a serious look on his face.

"Kakashi cares Hermione. He just chooses not to show it. He's lost many people already…he cherishes those who are important to him. And maybe he still doesn't deserve Iruka but at least he knows it and appreciates Iruka all the more."

The seven friends fell silent, and Hermione had the look she got whenever she was trying to work out a particularly difficult puzzle. Harry could have told her not to bother. For all that he only had one literal mask, the man was a metaphorical maze of smokescreens and puzzles, all wrapped up into one extremely hot package.

Suddenly, Harry's head snapped up and he frowned. Surely it couldn't be? Maybe thinking about the man had brought about memories of his chakra signature. But that didn't explain the other three signatures he felt, one of which was amazingly large.

'Woah,' he thought, ' Kakashi really wasn't kidding about Naruto-kun's chakra levels. No wonder his jutsu's are so erratic and his control is so shit.'

"Harry?" Neville questioned.

Harry opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by a tell-tale swirl of leaves. He grinned as four figures appeared in the midst of it all, one of whom was very familiar to the seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins. Harry glanced up to the Head table and nearly burst out laughing when he saw the teacher's reactions. Snape was glaring so hard that he might have even pulled up some killing intent, but the purple colour of his face somehow detracted from the scary look he was no doubt aiming for. McGonagall's lips had completely disappeared, she was pressing them together so hard. The other teachers merely looked curious, except for Dumbledore. Dumbledore's twinkle was brighter than ever, and Harry swore he saw McGonagall and Flitwick flinch from the brightness on either side of him.

"Ohayō minnasan," Kakashi beamed happily, giving his trademark V for victory sign. His brats merely looked around the hall curiously, although Naruto looked as though he were about to burst with curiosity. "Sorry we're late. We meant to get here at the start of dinner, but then Sasuke walked under a ladder on our way here and we had to perform a ritual to cleanse him of the bad luck."

The people in the hall simply stared at the man in dumbstruck amazement. Who were these creatures? Why were they so pink and orange and blue? Was there something wrong with that one's face? And why was it so damn happy? Did it really expect them to believe that crappy excuse?

Harry sniggered in unbridled amusement. It was all he could do to stop himself from jumping into the man's arms in front of the whole hall. Kakashi turned towards the sound and gave Harry a genuine smile. Harry's heart melted just a little at seeing the affection in the shinobi's eyes. This was what he had been missing so much and he was never more grateful for the man's presence.

Hermione glared at the people next to her so they would move down the table to accommodate for the new arrivals. Kakashi smiled at her as he plopped down next to Harry and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Ew Kakashi, don't do that!" Harry cried. "Your mask feels freaky!"

"Maa, maa Harry. Don't you love me anymore?" Kakashi pouted.

Harry laughed, before eyeing the three young genin curiously.

"What's up with the brats?"

"Well," Kakashi explained, single eye dropping lazily back down to half-mast, "Tsunade-sama said you could use a pick-me-up. Soooo…I'm lending you my brats for the week."

"Godaime's been watching me with that damn crystal ball of hers?" Harry exclaimed, surprised.

"Of course she has. She said she'd keep an eye on you, and she is. We all want to make sure that you're safe and okay."

Harry smiled again, chest filling up with warmth. Then, the last part of what Kakashi had said sunk in abruptly and he jumped out of his chair, very nearly wetting his pants in glee.

"Waitwaitwait! You're GIVING me your BRATS!"

"Lending them," the jounin correctly gently, still with that damn eye-smile on his face. "For the week."

"Fuck yes!" Harry cried, before another realization abruptly hit him on the head. "They…seem to be taking this very well."

"It's a jutsu Iruka invented for usage on _his _brats. They won't be able to make a sound for the whole week."

Ignoring the glares of doom being sent at him by said brats Harry grinned widly, and turned to face Kakashi with shining eyes. Hermione's own eyes widened with sudden knowledge of what he was about to do.

"Censure!" she cried, pointing her wand at Harry just in time.

"Ooh baby, I am going to BEEP you so hard until your BEEP is BEEP and BEEP with my sweet sweet BEEP BEEP BEEEEP."

"Stop," Kakashi placed a finger on Harry's lips. "You had me at fuck."

Hermione sighed as the jounin brazenly used the one of the very words she had been trying to keep away from the ears of the younger children present. She should have known better than to bother.

Meanwhile, Harry was cooing at the glaring genins.

"Oh, they're so cute Kakashi! I promise to name them and feed them and take good care of them and everything! This one shall be pinky-brat, and this one can be sunshine-brat, and that one….emo-brat. Pissy emo-brat, but that's too much of a mouthful, so emo-brat will have to do."

"That's very nice, Harry," Kakashi soothed while patting the excited boy on the head. "I have to go now, but you take care of them okay? Remember to train them hard."

Harry nodded vigorously, and with a parting "Have fun, kids," the Copy-Cat was gone.

And suddenly, Team 7 was very, very afraid.

On a completely unrelated note, so was Draco Malfoy and the whole of the Hogwarts staff.

* * *


	3. Give It Back

"Potter!"

"Yes, Malfoy?"

"Give it back!"

"Give what back, Malfoy?"

"My virginity." Sarcastic.

"Would've thought Pansy would have taken care of that a long time ago." Innocent.

"That's disgusting, Potter. It's also not what I meant and you know it."

"Then what did you mean?"

Grinding of teeth.

"My wand, you filthy little Gryffindor. You stole my wand and I want it back."

"Why Malfoy, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."

"I'll go to Snape. And then he'll go to McGonagall who'll go to Dumbledore and soon enough everyone will know and your golden reputation will be ruined."

"And I'll get detention for a very long time and they'll search my stuff and won't find anything and throughout it all I'll proclaim my innocence, making sure to emphasize the fact that stealing is wrong and maybe I'll even throw in a few heroic poses just for the fun of it. And then you'll look like a fool for losing your wand and everyone will hate you for blaming it on me. And you still won't have your wand."

A pale hand curls into a fist.

"I'm only going to say this once more, Potter. Give. It. Back."

"Even if, theoretically of course, I knew where your wand was and could get it back to you, it would cost you. Theoretically."

"Of course."

"Of course."

"That's blackmail, Potter."

"Actually, it's extortion. Blackmail implies…"

"Alright, alright, I get it." A sigh. "How much do you want?"

Delighted laughter.

"I don't want your money, Malfoy! Shit no. I've got more than enough of my own."

"Yes, yes you're powerful and polite and good-looking and rich and all that other crap that Witch Weekly spews. What do you _want_, Potter?"

"You think I'm powerful and good-looking? I'm flattered, Malfoy. And…wait. You read Witch Weekly?" Genuine bafflement.

A blush.

"No! Mother buys it. But that's not the point. The point is that you were going to tell me what.you.want."

"Well there's no need to shout, Malfoy. All you had to do was ask. I want you to tutor me in potions."

"You want…me….to tutor you….in potions?"

A beaming smile.

"Yup."

"You're nuts, Potter. Completely insane. But fine. Meet me here tomorrow at 7. If you're late I'll leave. Now give it back."

"What makes you think I had it in the first place?"

A face begins rapidly turning red, and a vein throbs furiously.

"But maybe you should check under you pillow tonight. If you've been good the tooth fairy might have left you a present."

A glare, the angry stomping of feet, and a door slams.

A smirk shines in the darkened room.

* * *

"Potter. You took it again. Give it back." 

"Can only take your virginity once, Malfoy. And it can't be given back no matter what you tell yourself."

"I've been tutoring you every second night for the past week, even though it idiocizes me to spend time with you. You had no right to steal my wand again!"

"I don't think idiocizes is a word, Malfoy."

"You had no right!"

A pause, and a thoughtful stare.

"You know Malfoy, you've been particularly awful to my friends these past few days. I fear it might be because of something that I've done."

"So that's it then. You want me to be polite to the Weasels and the Mudblood and the imbecile and the Irish idiot and all the rest of your loser friends." Disbelief.

"Mmm. Would be nice."

"Fine. Done. Where is it?" Resigned.

"Did you check in your bookbag?"

"Hmph."

A smile as a body flounces off.

* * *

"God damnit, Potter! Why do you keep stealing my wand?" 

A sideways glance accompanied by a raised eyebrow.

"Right. Sorry. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never get any proof to show that you took my wand nor will I get you to admit to it despite the fact that it has become more than obvious that you are a dirty lying thief. Possibly even a kleptomaniac with a strange fixation on my wand. So why don't you just tell me what you want so we can get this over with."

"Are you sure you really want to know, Malfoy? The price is going to be dearer than ever."

"What else could you possibly want from me? You've reduced me down to your level of idiocy, ruined my reputation and made me be nice to Gryffindors." A shudder. "Do you want me to open up a kennel for stray dogs too? Feed the starving brats in Africa? Maybe even become a much better looking Mother Teresa?"

"Hmm. Would be nice. A penguin suit might look good on you. But no, that's not what I want. I want a kiss."

"A kiss." Flat.

"Mm-hm. A kiss." Non-commital.

"Look Potter, I really don't appreciate being mocked so if you could just tell me what you really wa-mmph."

Various smacking and slurping sounds along with a groan or two and some groping.

"Well, would you look at that. I seem to have stolen something else from you." Smug.

Panting.

"Yeah, now give it back."

"Not so fast, Malfoy. First I think we need to figure out what you're going to give me in return."

A small kiss to the corner of the still panting mouth along with the languid stroke of a tongue.

"Oh god." Harsh.

A half-lidded stare and a lazy smile.

"Your wand is in your pocket. Has been the whole time."

An unintelligible groan and a wide-eyed stare from the boy using the wall to hold himself up.

A grin and whistling as the dark-haired boy walks away.


End file.
